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May. 28th, 2017 01:33 am
princessofburundi: (Default)
[personal profile] princessofburundi


I've been thinking about suicide for several days now. I'm lonely, I'm broke, I'm depressed, I'm tired of the struggle, and I miss my son so much that it hurts like a knife in the belly. Tonight I started thinking about which pills to take, how much liquor I'd need to down. At that point I realized that it was time to go to the hospital. Before I got up from my bed to prepare for the hospital I prayed. I asked God why He had deserted me. I believe in Him, trust in Him, why was He making me fight the deep depression all alone. After I prayed I felt a moment of calm. I really hate the local mental health ward, and I decided to make one last attempt to stay at home. I took a strong sedative and curled up on the sofa with a blanket and a pillow and Netflix, hoping that the combination of medication and distraction would save me from having to spend a few days in the much-hated mental health wing.

Ten minutes later the phone rang. It was my son. I haven't talked to him in well over a month. He told me that he was thinking of me, that he'd sent me a care package with some of my favourite things in it, that he was so proud to have me as a mother, someone who fought against depression every day and still got up the next day hoping that things would get better. He said that I was the most courageous person he'd ever met, because I had been fighting depression since I was a teenager and was still alive to tell the tale. I started crying, but because I was so comforted, to know that my beloved son looks up to me, that he thinks I have courage, that he's proud of me, and that there is a package headed my way, full of love.

I am still crying but it's because of relief that he still loves me. There is relief because God sent my son along to give me the courage to fight another day, and a day after that. And I no longer feel suicidal. I feel relief. I feel loved. I needed to hear those words. There is a long climb ahead of me, but knowing that I am a role model because I keep going is all the fuel I need to make it all the way up the mountain.

Date: 2017-05-28 06:05 am (UTC)
hollymath: (Default)
From: [personal profile] hollymath
I'm so glad your son called you. <3

Date: 2017-05-28 06:17 am (UTC)
norfolkian: Holtzmann from Ghostbusters licking a gun (Default)
From: [personal profile] norfolkian
I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. Also well done for recognising when you might need help and being prepared to seek it.

Date: 2017-05-28 12:19 pm (UTC)
iddewes: (magnolias)
From: [personal profile] iddewes
I'm so sorry you were feeling so poorly but so glad your son felt it and called you. You have obviously done well to bring up such a caring young man.

Date: 2017-05-29 05:30 am (UTC)
this_ascension: (sending love)
From: [personal profile] this_ascension
God works in mysterious ways. *hug* I am so glad your son called you. An awesome young man with an equally awesome mom. ♥

Date: 2017-05-29 06:34 pm (UTC)
dorchadas: (Default)
From: [personal profile] dorchadas
Sometime's G-d's ways are not so mysterious after all. I'm glad you had such a good outcome.  photo kitty_emoji_by_kawaiiprincess2-d51rci5.gif

Date: 2017-06-01 03:03 pm (UTC)
malgrin: (Default)
From: [personal profile] malgrin
I am so happy you got that call from your son!!!! But, I'm so sorry that you were feeling so down. I hope that he calls you more often!!!

I just wish I could give you a long-distance hug. Depression is the pits. You are amazingly strong.

Date: 2017-06-10 08:22 pm (UTC)
brainwane: My smiling face in front of a brick wall, May 2015. (Default)
From: [personal profile] brainwane
I hope you've been feeling better.

Date: 2017-08-13 12:22 pm (UTC)
eclips1st: (Default)
From: [personal profile] eclips1st
It's been a while since you've posted. I hope all is well!

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