princessofburundi: (Default)
I do this thing to myself fairly often. I decide that on a particular day I will get *everything* done, make this HUGE fucking list, and then, when the day arrives, feel absolutely overwhelmed with stress because the list I've made is unreasonable even for a normal person let alone someone who is plagued with anxiety. My list today includes finding several new writing jobs, cleaning out the mess in my room and the kitchen cupboards, visit my psychiatrist, go to the gym, make soup, wash the floors, and it goes on and on and on.

I can't do all of this today! It will be amazing if I get all of this done this week. I don't know why I do this to myself. I am a low-functioning anxious being and I don't do so much on a daily basis.

So I need to cut this down. I will look for some writing jobs. I will clean something. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, and that's non-negotiable, I really need to see him. But then I also need to do things like read, and watch TV, and relax. There's a reason I'm getting disability support from the government: because I'm disabled mentally.

I think that most of this is that I don't know how to accept that I'm mentally ill, in fact, so mentally ill that many things that I used to do easily are now immensely challenging. I want my old life back, where I went about things without terror, and with excitement and vigour. I don't know how to love or accept this frightened old woman I've become.

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princessofburundi

May 2017

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