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I have figured out why I'm not depressed or anxious. I can also explain the extreme lack of sleep, the racing thoughts, and the high-dose enthusiasms....I'm manic. It's been so long since my last mania (years) that I'd forgotten what it feels like. This is only hypomania, when I'm fully manic I have tons of energy despite lack of sleep, and I don't have even a drop of energy now. It's 4:45 a.m. I'm wide awake and pissed off about it.

Then there's Olive, the older of my two cats. She's approximately three, and Roo is around two. Olive is driving me nutso. She's whiny, demanding, annoying, and I can usually put up with her, but right now I feel like putting her in a shoebox, taping it up, poking some breathing holes in it, and FedEx-ing her somewhere. I don't know where. Olive is my son's cat, and he's abandoned her for his fiancee's cat in Vancouver, and I just have to put up with her. I've never disliked a cat before, I love the whole species, but she is really, really not my cup of tea.

Grrr. I want sleep and for my cat to stop climbing the fucking curtains and scratching the walls.

Touch

Apr. 26th, 2017 05:11 pm
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Every day I go to odb.org - Our Daily Bread - it is a Christian website that gives daily short articles that prompt the reader to think about their relationship with God. Today's article was about the healing power of touch, focusing on Jesus healing the leper, and I was surprised as touch has been on my mind a lot lately.

Today my therapist hugged me at the close of our session, and I realized that it was the first hug I'd had in a couple of weeks. My mother doesn't hug, neither does anyone else I see, and being bereft of physical contact is something I'm finding very challenging. I'm not sure what the solution is. One of the reasons I miss my son as much as I do is that he is a very physical human being, and I got hugs all day long. I took them for granted; one thing this past six months of my life has taught me is that one should never take any aspect of any relationship for granted.

It's a beautiful day today. The weather is hovering around 20 degrees (70 degrees F), the sun is shining, trees are sprouting blossoms and leaves, and gardens are full of daffodils and tulips and other spring flowers. My little plot out front is bright and cheerful. It's lovely to have the windows open; the cats like that as well. I love spring.

Speaking of cats, I had to lock them in the kitchen last night. Both of them decided that my desire to sleep was unacceptable, and they kept sitting on my pillow and meowing me into consciousness. I don't like barring them from my room, but egads, they were annoying.

Tomorrow I have to mow the lawn. My brother has been over to show me how to use the lawnmower and put gas in it. I am nervous, I've never cut grass before!

Easter

Apr. 16th, 2017 10:00 am
princessofburundi: (Default)
Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate it!

I have woken up with a mighty case of acid reflux, so BLEAH to that, and I was woken far earlier than I would have liked due to my younger cat deciding that first thing in the morning was a good time for head scratches and for walking up and down my back. I told her to go away and let me sleep, and she pointed out that she doesn't speak English, so she won. She always does. She's so adorable and fluffy that I indulge her every whim.

I'm morose this morning. For me, holidays are a reminder that I'm alone in the world. My parents and brother's family, who share a large home in the country, have not invited me to Easter or Thanksgiving for several years now. My elder daughter hasn't spoken to me in seven or eight years, my son lives far away in Vancouver, and my younger daughter is in the middle of exams and doesn't celebrate anyway, being an atheist. I don't have much in the way of real-life friends, certainly not the sort to open their homes to me on holidays. I look back and wonder how I ever thought that family celebrations were annoying or too much work, you don't realize how precious they are until they're gone. I remember delighted children hunting for Easter eggs, and my mum's lovely ham roasts, and a church family where I worshipped regularly, and I don't know where the years have gone.

Anyway, enough of being depressed. It's a holiday, so I'm going to ignore housework except for dishes, and spend the day reading or watching TV. It's nice and warm today with a delicious breeze, but it's raining on and off, and isn't really the weather for venturing outdoors much, so I shall stay home and enjoy the company of books.

First Entry

Apr. 9th, 2017 09:12 pm
princessofburundi: (Default)
It's been ages since I had an online journal. Years. It was an easy decision to follow a couple of friends over here to Dreamwidth, but a much more difficult decision to choose a journal style, and an even harder one to choose a journal title; eventually I decided to leave that blank for a while when I realized that I was beginning to panic because I couldn't think of a pithy title.

Interests, the profile page wanted to know. That was a challenge. I've been depressed for so long, and I've been in upheaval for even longer, and I have no idea anymore what interests me, beyond books and binging on Netflix. The truth is that very little interests me anymore. I'd like to change that but am only in the very early stages of finding out how.

I don't know what to write. All of this is filling me with uncertainty.

I'm Allie. I have cats. Two of them, one of whom is preparing to investigate my typing and looking like she's going to cause a nuisance. I live in Canada, in a small and unattractive city. I have three children, two daughters and a son, the daughters are 27 and 18, and the son is 25. No grandkids yet.

I read a lot. Books are my lifeline and always have been. I plan to post about books I've read here. And I wonder if there are communities here, like there were on LJ, where I can meet other bibliophiles. I suppose I will figure this out in time.

Right then, first entry completed, off I go to explore the world of Dreamwidth.

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