Forgetting

May. 17th, 2017 01:12 am
princessofburundi: (Default)
I keep forgetting that Dreamwidth is a thing, so I don't post or comment because I've forgotten about it. I will catch up with people's journals this weekend, I promise!

here's what's going on with me )
princessofburundi: (Default)
I have had such a good day. Yes, I woke up with the panic attack from hell and had to pop an Ativan just to get me moving, and I was so afraid to go out of the house that I nearly cancelled coffee with my mother. But I didn't....I went and had a pleasant time seeing her.

Throwing myself back into things that I like has helped so much. It took so much energy to take that first step into old pleasures, but it was worth that fearful first step. I've had a nice long phone conversation with my daughter, the 18 year old. I've spent hours studying Spanish, and it's been a lot of fun. I'd forgotten how much I love language study. I've been reading.....I have three books on the go right now. Using my brain and learning new things really get my mind off my problems. Also, I've eaten healthy foods, which I'm sure is part of the temporary lull in the depression.

It's so nice not to feel terrified of my own shadow.

Decisions

Apr. 28th, 2017 04:04 pm
princessofburundi: (Default)
So I've decided to go forward and take a series of online courses that will qualify me to teach English as a Second Language. I've been thinking about it for weeks, and I can't see any downside to it. It all sounds great, especially the part where I might get to travel to someone wonderful and teach English there. I'm starting to brush up on my Spanish (at this moment I could order a beer but not say much else), so that my hopes of working in a Latin American country could be more easily facilitated. I would really like to use Spanish on a daily basis, so going somewhere like Peru or Chile or somewhere in Central America would be ideal. I'm actually getting a bit excited at the possibilities of teaching abroad. South America would be my first choice.

My elder daughter taught English in Ecuador for a few months some years back and loved her immersion into Latin American life, especially the weddings to which her entire Andean village was invited, including her, and which lasted for days. She also loved being able to pick fresh fruit for her breakfast from her host family's yard. Imagine waking up to fresh mangoes! On the way to her classroom in the morning she would always be approached by friendly alpacas, which she hand fed with fruit and sugar, and which sometimes followed her to school. D. was 9,000 feet up in the Andes, and the scenery was unbelievable. I would love an experience like hers. Of course, she was 18 and highly adaptable and very healthy, whereas I'm 53, diabetic, with mental health issues, and more set in my ways, but I think I could find myself a safe place in a new environment.

When I say "safe place", what I mean is my bed. When life gets rough I have the world's comfiest bed, and just sitting on it for a few minutes calms me down. Obviously I can't take my bed with me if I travel, but I can take elements of it - my snuggly blanket or one of my teddy bears, and be reminded of the safety of my cosy bedroom. I'd need that if I were working overseas, and I'll even need it when I go to the UK this September. I'm sure if I were living for three months in a foreign country that I could establish for myself a safe place to which I could retreat when panic threatens.

It's been another beautiful day, sun shining, blue sky, not too warm, and I had a nice time having coffee with my mother, which is something we do every Friday afternoon.
princessofburundi: (Default)
This has been a hard fucking day. I've been dancing with emotional pain for the entirety of it; I can't believe it's only 6:40 p.m. and that's there's still hours before bedtime; it feels endless.

The root of all my struggles is grief over my son moving far away. He moved out from my home in 2011, but moved back in 2013, and we shared a home until last fall, at which point he moved to a city 4,500 km. away to be with his fiancee. I'm not coping well with his absence. We were very close; he is not good at keeping in touch and in many ways I feel like he's a stranger to me these days as I know so little about his life. In March he told me that he would pay my way to come out and visit him this spring; today he told me that he couldn't afford to do that, but that I should come out for Christmas. I am devastated. I thought I'd be seeing him soon, and seven months and more seems a lifetime away.

Money is a very scary thing right now. I have enough to live on, just. I was working as a freelance writer, but I've been too mentally ill to take writing contracts, so I have no extra cash flow. My mum is taking me on a cruise around the British Isles this September, but honestly, the costs involved with it are causing me so much stress that I wish I weren't going. Somehow I need to scrape together cash for a passport photo, a passport, evening clothes as the cruiseline is expensive and formal, and for spending money. I simply do not know how I'm going to manage to do this.

To add to the joy, Revenue Canada (tax people) sent me a note today informing me that I owe them $8349.50. Obviously this is a mistake - I don't even earn that much in a year - but it has added to my list a lot of stress and a good solid kick in the solar plexus.

I demand a rewind of the day, one in which I wake up in Puerto Rico on an ocean beach, with a hot Latino hombre feeding me tropical fruits, and a bunch of puppies playing by my side.

Grrrr

Apr. 12th, 2017 03:32 pm
princessofburundi: (sick elephant)
Vomited in the night; woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Not much fun, especially as younger daughter is visiting. She's napping right now and I'm taking some quiet time in my room, and earlier this afternoon I came to bed and lay down for half an hour, which helped. When she leaves I'm planning on putting my nightgown back on and climbing into bed with a book or my computer. This really sucks.

Today

Apr. 11th, 2017 09:25 pm
princessofburundi: (Default)
I always worry about boring people with my entries. I try to tell myself that it's my journal and that I get to pick what I write, but the truth is that I know that this is a semi-public journal, and I don't want my reader(s) to die of boredom. I was married to a man who reiterated on a fairly regular basis just how dull I am, and it's stuck with me, one of those insults that somehow you just can't shake off, no matter how hard you try.

Last Thursday I completed and filed my human rights complaint against the landlord who, last October, evicted me for having mental health problems because they made me a danger to the other residents of the home. In many ways I feel very glad that I've filed it, and that it's winging its way towards the human rights people in the middle of another province. On the other hand, ever since I filed it I've had stomach aches, headaches, night sweats, nightmares, and terrible difficulty concentrating. I'm mostly worried about my son, who works for the unethical clods who evicted me, and how this is going to affect a) his job and b) his relationship with me. The stress is really taking a toll on me; I hope like hell that I can settle down and relax about it soon.

In the middle of the night last night I woke up with stomach pains, and all sorts of gastrointestinal symptoms that I won't go into. I was also beset with a splitting headache; more stress, undoubtedly. By 9:00 a.m. I still felt like hell, so I cancelled lunch at my parents' place, and decided to spend the day in bed, reading and watching a TV show on Netflix. By early afternoon I was starting to feel better, and was definitely relaxed after the inertia of the morning.

Then my younger daughter, (AR are her intitals, and she's 18) texted me to say that she had three essays due and could she write them at my place. I don't know why she likes working at my place, but I'm glad she does. Of course I was fine with this, although feeling sick, so I got up and showered and established some order and cleanliness in my house, and eagerly awaited her arrival. It's been nice. She's staying the night. We've had take out Chinese food, watched a film, talked, and I've listened eagerly as she's shown me images of her year-end projects. (She's just finishing her first year in a studio arts program at university.) But I've just told her about my human rights thingie and it's clear that she disapproves. She says she doesn't but I've known her for her entire life and I know that facial expression. I wish I hadn't told her. I thought she'd want to know about it, but I can see I've made a mistake in telling her. The last thing I need right now is the extra stress of daughterly discontent.

Well, fuck that, it's done, and I'm pretty sure that I did the right thing in filing a complaint. Not 100% sure, but that's life. We do what we can and we hope for the best, and we can never be entirely certain how our actions will play out. So I will deal with her malcontent. She wasn't there when I got thrown out into the Arctic night in sub-zero temperatures with hungry polar bears quite literally roaming the streets. It was humiliating and dangerous and unethical. I did what I thought was best. So there.

First Entry

Apr. 9th, 2017 09:12 pm
princessofburundi: (Default)
It's been ages since I had an online journal. Years. It was an easy decision to follow a couple of friends over here to Dreamwidth, but a much more difficult decision to choose a journal style, and an even harder one to choose a journal title; eventually I decided to leave that blank for a while when I realized that I was beginning to panic because I couldn't think of a pithy title.

Interests, the profile page wanted to know. That was a challenge. I've been depressed for so long, and I've been in upheaval for even longer, and I have no idea anymore what interests me, beyond books and binging on Netflix. The truth is that very little interests me anymore. I'd like to change that but am only in the very early stages of finding out how.

I don't know what to write. All of this is filling me with uncertainty.

I'm Allie. I have cats. Two of them, one of whom is preparing to investigate my typing and looking like she's going to cause a nuisance. I live in Canada, in a small and unattractive city. I have three children, two daughters and a son, the daughters are 27 and 18, and the son is 25. No grandkids yet.

I read a lot. Books are my lifeline and always have been. I plan to post about books I've read here. And I wonder if there are communities here, like there were on LJ, where I can meet other bibliophiles. I suppose I will figure this out in time.

Right then, first entry completed, off I go to explore the world of Dreamwidth.

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