May. 28th, 2017 01:33 am
princessofburundi: (Default)
[personal profile] princessofburundi

I've been thinking about suicide for several days now. I'm lonely, I'm broke, I'm depressed, I'm tired of the struggle, and I miss my son so much that it hurts like a knife in the belly. Tonight I started thinking about which pills to take, how much liquor I'd need to down. At that point I realized that it was time to go to the hospital. Before I got up from my bed to prepare for the hospital I prayed. I asked God why He had deserted me. I believe in Him, trust in Him, why was He making me fight the deep depression all alone. After I prayed I felt a moment of calm. I really hate the local mental health ward, and I decided to make one last attempt to stay at home. I took a strong sedative and curled up on the sofa with a blanket and a pillow and Netflix, hoping that the combination of medication and distraction would save me from having to spend a few days in the much-hated mental health wing.

Ten minutes later the phone rang. It was my son. I haven't talked to him in well over a month. He told me that he was thinking of me, that he'd sent me a care package with some of my favourite things in it, that he was so proud to have me as a mother, someone who fought against depression every day and still got up the next day hoping that things would get better. He said that I was the most courageous person he'd ever met, because I had been fighting depression since I was a teenager and was still alive to tell the tale. I started crying, but because I was so comforted, to know that my beloved son looks up to me, that he thinks I have courage, that he's proud of me, and that there is a package headed my way, full of love.

I am still crying but it's because of relief that he still loves me. There is relief because God sent my son along to give me the courage to fight another day, and a day after that. And I no longer feel suicidal. I feel relief. I feel loved. I needed to hear those words. There is a long climb ahead of me, but knowing that I am a role model because I keep going is all the fuel I need to make it all the way up the mountain.
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