princessofburundi: (Default)
[personal profile] princessofburundi
This has been a hard fucking day. I've been dancing with emotional pain for the entirety of it; I can't believe it's only 6:40 p.m. and that's there's still hours before bedtime; it feels endless.

The root of all my struggles is grief over my son moving far away. He moved out from my home in 2011, but moved back in 2013, and we shared a home until last fall, at which point he moved to a city 4,500 km. away to be with his fiancee. I'm not coping well with his absence. We were very close; he is not good at keeping in touch and in many ways I feel like he's a stranger to me these days as I know so little about his life. In March he told me that he would pay my way to come out and visit him this spring; today he told me that he couldn't afford to do that, but that I should come out for Christmas. I am devastated. I thought I'd be seeing him soon, and seven months and more seems a lifetime away.

Money is a very scary thing right now. I have enough to live on, just. I was working as a freelance writer, but I've been too mentally ill to take writing contracts, so I have no extra cash flow. My mum is taking me on a cruise around the British Isles this September, but honestly, the costs involved with it are causing me so much stress that I wish I weren't going. Somehow I need to scrape together cash for a passport photo, a passport, evening clothes as the cruiseline is expensive and formal, and for spending money. I simply do not know how I'm going to manage to do this.

To add to the joy, Revenue Canada (tax people) sent me a note today informing me that I owe them $8349.50. Obviously this is a mistake - I don't even earn that much in a year - but it has added to my list a lot of stress and a good solid kick in the solar plexus.

I demand a rewind of the day, one in which I wake up in Puerto Rico on an ocean beach, with a hot Latino hombre feeding me tropical fruits, and a bunch of puppies playing by my side.
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