Recent Entries

Current Mood: curious

Entry tags:

technical stuff

Technical Question

Does anyone know how to get little mood symbols on their journal? You know, down below where you select what your mood is, and you get a little smiley face if you select that you're happy, or a sad face if you're sad? I just get a little square navy-blue box no matter what mood I select and I don't know how to change that. Help?

Current Mood: relaxed

Entry tags:

Busy Day

It's been a busy and longish day. What I've done today won't seem like much to most of you, but as a card-carrying agoraphobic it takes me several hours to talk myself into leaving the house, and then after I'm home again it takes a couple of hours to come down from the tension of being away from my nice safe home. A small set of errands, therefore, is a full-day process.

One of my big worries: if it takes this much prep to run a couple of errands, how in hell am I going to manage a two-week overseas vacation in September?

Today was fairly simple - visit my psychiatrist, try yet another grocery store to see if they have lactose-free milk in stock; it's been difficult to find lately. Psychiatrist's appointment went well, lactose-free milk obtained, so win-win.

Have also managed to contact my son (notoriously difficult to get in touch with) and inform him that he needs to reimburse me half of the cost of the ungodly phone bills he's been racking up as we've been sharing a phone plan. To do him credit, he agreed immediately and without hesitation, so I will have money again - not a fortune, but enough to make a difference between watching every penny and spending nothing on myself, and being able to get my hair cut, needed desperately as I'm beginning to look like a shaggy dog. I am also going to take myself to see the Beauty and the Beast film - I've been so disappointed that I couldn't afford to go, and as long as it hasn't left theatres I'm going to go and see it tomorrow night.

And that's me done for the day. I came home and put my nightgown on, and am planning a quiet evening of reading and watching TV. The breeze through the open windows is lovely; I'm so glad it's spring.

Current Mood: anxious

Entry tags:

anxiety,
self-love

Today and the rest of my life

I do this thing to myself fairly often. I decide that on a particular day I will get *everything* done, make this HUGE fucking list, and then, when the day arrives, feel absolutely overwhelmed with stress because the list I've made is unreasonable even for a normal person let alone someone who is plagued with anxiety. My list today includes finding several new writing jobs, cleaning out the mess in my room and the kitchen cupboards, visit my psychiatrist, go to the gym, make soup, wash the floors, and it goes on and on and on.

I can't do all of this today! It will be amazing if I get all of this done this week. I don't know why I do this to myself. I am a low-functioning anxious being and I don't do so much on a daily basis.

So I need to cut this down. I will look for some writing jobs. I will clean something. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, and that's non-negotiable, I really need to see him. But then I also need to do things like read, and watch TV, and relax. There's a reason I'm getting disability support from the government: because I'm disabled mentally.

I think that most of this is that I don't know how to accept that I'm mentally ill, in fact, so mentally ill that many things that I used to do easily are now immensely challenging. I want my old life back, where I went about things without terror, and with excitement and vigour. I don't know how to love or accept this frightened old woman I've become.

Entry tags:

2017 reading,
books

Books read so far in 2017

I'm sure that there's a way to put parts of entries under a cut, but I have no idea how. If anyone knows, please help! On the positive side, I've remembered how to used HTML to make a list.

General points: Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky is hands down the best book I've read so far this year. I have also greatly enjoyed Picnic at Hanging Rock by Joan Lindsay, A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini, and am having a love affair with Kate Morton's books; I've read three of them so far this year and have been thoroughly and happily engrossed by all of them.

At present I'm reading the fascinating A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki.

( What I've read so far in 2017: )

Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: home

Entry tags:

First Entry

It's been ages since I had an online journal. Years. It was an easy decision to follow a couple of friends over here to Dreamwidth, but a much more difficult decision to choose a journal style, and an even harder one to choose a journal title; eventually I decided to leave that blank for a while when I realized that I was beginning to panic because I couldn't think of a pithy title.

Interests, the profile page wanted to know. That was a challenge. I've been depressed for so long, and I've been in upheaval for even longer, and I have no idea anymore what interests me, beyond books and binging on Netflix. The truth is that very little interests me anymore. I'd like to change that but am only in the very early stages of finding out how.

I don't know what to write. All of this is filling me with uncertainty.

I'm Allie. I have cats. Two of them, one of whom is preparing to investigate my typing and looking like she's going to cause a nuisance. I live in Canada, in a small and unattractive city. I have three children, two daughters and a son, the daughters are 27 and 18, and the son is 25. No grandkids yet.

I read a lot. Books are my lifeline and always have been. I plan to post about books I've read here. And I wonder if there are communities here, like there were on LJ, where I can meet other bibliophiles. I suppose I will figure this out in time.

Right then, first entry completed, off I go to explore the world of Dreamwidth.