princessofburundi: (Default)
I had no idea how much I would love having an online journal again. It feels so good to be here at Dreamwidth. I am making new friends, have a place to share my life, and have the great privilege of being able to share the lives of others. For a woman who is decidedly lonely, this place is a godsend.

It's gotten hot all of a sudden - it's 23 here at the moment (that's 76) and rather humid so that it feels hotter. I mowed the lawn for the first time all on my own. The result reminds me very much of the time my elder daughter, age approx. three, took her safety scissors to the curls at the front of her hair, kind of jagged and sloppy and frayed. (And it was heartbreaking to see her lovely curls on the floor.) I console myself with the fact that my neighbours have obviously been mowing for years and know how, whereas I simply don't have a clue....yet. Someday I will be a jedi master at lawns.

Saw my caseworker at Canadian Mental Health today....such a nice woman. I am so fortunate to have really excellent community help for my poor addled brain. Psychiatrist, therapist, case worker, doctor: I am so lucky to live in Canada and in this city.

The thing I'm working on now is learning to be gentler with myself. I need to get rid of the self talk that says "you're stupid" or "you're a failure" and replace it with "you're learning" and "look at all of the things you've accomplished today". I need to learn to look in the mirror and instead of seeing ugly and fat, and old, see a woman who has survived a lot of grief and turmoil and has the battle scars to prove it. Maybe, if I'm really lucky, some day I will see beauty.
princessofburundi: (Default)
I do this thing to myself fairly often. I decide that on a particular day I will get *everything* done, make this HUGE fucking list, and then, when the day arrives, feel absolutely overwhelmed with stress because the list I've made is unreasonable even for a normal person let alone someone who is plagued with anxiety. My list today includes finding several new writing jobs, cleaning out the mess in my room and the kitchen cupboards, visit my psychiatrist, go to the gym, make soup, wash the floors, and it goes on and on and on.

I can't do all of this today! It will be amazing if I get all of this done this week. I don't know why I do this to myself. I am a low-functioning anxious being and I don't do so much on a daily basis.

So I need to cut this down. I will look for some writing jobs. I will clean something. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, and that's non-negotiable, I really need to see him. But then I also need to do things like read, and watch TV, and relax. There's a reason I'm getting disability support from the government: because I'm disabled mentally.

I think that most of this is that I don't know how to accept that I'm mentally ill, in fact, so mentally ill that many things that I used to do easily are now immensely challenging. I want my old life back, where I went about things without terror, and with excitement and vigour. I don't know how to love or accept this frightened old woman I've become.


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