princessofburundi

It's nearly 4 a.m. and I'm still wide awake. This undoubtedly is because I slept for a full twelve hours last night, and didn't wake up until nearly 1 p.m. I'm reading in bed, The Great Zoo of China, which is a repeat of Jurassic Park, only set in China, and with dragons instead of dinosaurs. The writing isn't great, dialogue rather stilted, but it's not a long book, so I'll finish it.

I've been watching "Big Love" on CraveTV - a TV show about a polygamist family in Utah - and there was a scene where women were lamenting being evicted from their homes on the FLDS compound with only five minutes to collect their things. I was astounded at how hard this hit me. I am not going into detail, but last October I was illegally evicted from where I was living in the Canadian Arctic with two hours to get out. This happened in the peak of polar bear season, which means peak tourist season; there were no hotel rooms and it was a really and truly horrible and dangerous situation which has left me traumatized and scared of my own shadow. I had no idea that the mere mention of eviction on a TV show would affect me as sharply as it did. Thank goodness I have a therapist.

I'm still thinking about the teaching ESL thing. I haven't made up my mind. It seems like a good idea. I can get certified online, and I can probably get financial aid for the cost of the course. But before I make any decision, I'll need to investigate the job market to see whether or not I'd be likely to get a job teaching English as a Second Language either locally or overseas. I'm 53, and many of the overseas options close at age 50, I am given to understand. I also don't live in a big city centre that attracts a lot of immigrants, and I'd be reluctant to move to another city, partially because I don't have the money to relocate. So I will have to research job opportunites and then make a decision. Also, it is a bit daunting, at my age, to be starting an entirely new venture. This is the part of my life where I always thought I'd be gliding towards retirement - my dad retired at 55, and my mum a couple of years after that - not starting anew. I am feeling timid, and will need to gather some courage to make a new life for myself.

I've been on Dreamwidth for only a few days and already I am behind. Thank you for all the comments and I'm sorry that I haven't had a chance to answer yet - I'm so overwhelmed with my own crap that I haven't been able to function in my usual manner. And I've not read my reading page in a couple of days. Sorry to be so behind.

So many people commented on my post about my feeling bad for taking Ativan. I can't even begin to express how helpful the comments were. I've gone from feeling like a failure for taking them to feeling like they are necessary pills for my brain, which isn't producing the chemicals I need for good mental health. Thank you to all of you who commented. You all gave me so much strength. This is why I've missed LJ. You can learn so much from the experience and knowledge and kindness of other people.

*am crying, but with pleasure and relief*

I spent until 1:00 today doing various things to get rid of the panic attack, and when none of them worked I took an Ativan. I don't like doing that. Most of the time I feel really weak for "giving in" (that's the language I use) to taking medication, but I think it's about time that I realized two things: 1) that my psychiatrist prescribed them for just this reason, and b) that being wise enough to know when I need to take one is a sign of strength and self-awareness, not weakness. This is something I really need to learn.

I woke up late this morning, around 10:30, and I awoke in the middle of the mother of all panic attacks. There were panicked thoughts - this is going to kill me, I'm going to need to be locked up in a mental asylum - lots of gastrointestinal stuff that comes with the fear, weeping, and shaking like a leaf. I haven't had a first thing in the morning panic attack since January and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by it.

So I told myself that I could stay in bed until I was ready to get up (it's 12:15 and I'm not yet ready), and I've been doing things that relax me. I've prayed fervently for God's help. I've played a couple of rounds of Lexulous (a Scrabble-based game) with globetrotter1. I've done a couple of jigsaw puzzles on the phone - they are great for helping me clear my mind. I have a cat cuddled up to my leg, and that is a big help. I'm going to watch an episode of Doctor Who. I called my mother, but she couldn't talk as she was in the middle of making a Merlin costume for my 10-year old nephew that needs to be ready for tomorrow.

No more mornings like this one, please. Just no.

How exciting it was to arrive at Dreamwidth and find 47 notifications in my inbox! I have a whole host of new friends whom I'd like to welcome to my journal.

Hello to 3v3y2k, 8hyenas, atomicnectarine, cherrypixel, coeur_de_noir, divinemusings, dorchadas, emeraldem, fragbert66, iddewes, innerslytherin, jo, norfolkian, seraphina_snape, and slvrbld47. I'm thrilled to meet all of you!

Also, I've joined the doctorwho community and would love to see new Whovians over there!

I went to a friending community here on Dreamwidth today and I have new friends here! Welcome to cassie_faith, kristy, spilledpills, and michigangster!

Still sick, but knowing the cause has really calmed me down, and the thought that ceasing to take the pills means that I won't be sick to my stomach all the time is such a pleasant thing.

My son finally paid me back the money he owes me, so I've treated myself mildly. I ordered a couple of books online last night, bought a book at the mall today, and got my hair cut (badly needed). The rest I will keep safely tucked in my bank account. It makes a world of difference to be able to do something nice for myself.

I'm home again, tired from the anti-nauseants, and am probably going to nap. I'm so very glad to be home.

Vomited in the night; woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Not much fun, especially as younger daughter is visiting. She's napping right now and I'm taking some quiet time in my room, and earlier this afternoon I came to bed and lay down for half an hour, which helped. When she leaves I'm planning on putting my nightgown back on and climbing into bed with a book or my computer. This really sucks.

I always worry about boring people with my entries. I try to tell myself that it's my journal and that I get to pick what I write, but the truth is that I know that this is a semi-public journal, and I don't want my reader(s) to die of boredom. I was married to a man who reiterated on a fairly regular basis just how dull I am, and it's stuck with me, one of those insults that somehow you just can't shake off, no matter how hard you try.

Last Thursday I completed and filed my human rights complaint against the landlord who, last October, evicted me for having mental health problems because they made me a danger to the other residents of the home. In many ways I feel very glad that I've filed it, and that it's winging its way towards the human rights people in the middle of another province. On the other hand, ever since I filed it I've had stomach aches, headaches, night sweats, nightmares, and terrible difficulty concentrating. I'm mostly worried about my son, who works for the unethical clods who evicted me, and how this is going to affect a) his job and b) his relationship with me. The stress is really taking a toll on me; I hope like hell that I can settle down and relax about it soon.

In the middle of the night last night I woke up with stomach pains, and all sorts of gastrointestinal symptoms that I won't go into. I was also beset with a splitting headache; more stress, undoubtedly. By 9:00 a.m. I still felt like hell, so I cancelled lunch at my parents' place, and decided to spend the day in bed, reading and watching a TV show on Netflix. By early afternoon I was starting to feel better, and was definitely relaxed after the inertia of the morning.

Then my younger daughter, (AR are her intitals, and she's 18) texted me to say that she had three essays due and could she write them at my place. I don't know why she likes working at my place, but I'm glad she does. Of course I was fine with this, although feeling sick, so I got up and showered and established some order and cleanliness in my house, and eagerly awaited her arrival. It's been nice. She's staying the night. We've had take out Chinese food, watched a film, talked, and I've listened eagerly as she's shown me images of her year-end projects. (She's just finishing her first year in a studio arts program at university.) But I've just told her about my human rights thingie and it's clear that she disapproves. She says she doesn't but I've known her for her entire life and I know that facial expression. I wish I hadn't told her. I thought she'd want to know about it, but I can see I've made a mistake in telling her. The last thing I need right now is the extra stress of daughterly discontent.

Well, fuck that, it's done, and I'm pretty sure that I did the right thing in filing a complaint. Not 100% sure, but that's life. We do what we can and we hope for the best, and we can never be entirely certain how our actions will play out. So I will deal with her malcontent. She wasn't there when I got thrown out into the Arctic night in sub-zero temperatures with hungry polar bears quite literally roaming the streets. It was humiliating and dangerous and unethical. I did what I thought was best. So there.