princessofburundi

This is the third night in a row that I've been unable to get to sleep at night. I have so many worries. These past couple of months, where I've been able to fall asleep practically the moment that my head hits the pillow have been glorious months, but it seems that the insomnia that has pervaded my adult life is back.

So I'm going to write about the things that worry me, and maybe that will help. Maybe it won't. But, it is better than lying in the dark worrying, whether it helps me or not.

Health. What if I have a serious heart condition? What if I die? I know everyone dies, but I'm not ready yet.
Money. Things are so tight. I have saved absolutely nothing towards getting a passport, getting spending money, getting clothes for my trip overseas, which is less than four months away now.
Human rights complaint against the people who illegally evicted me last year. The process of filing against them is ongoing, and every single time I get an e-mail from the Manitoba Human Rights Commission, I am dragged back to that awful night that I was cast out of my home for having mental health difficulties. It was SO awful, and I don't want to relive it, but I have to if I'm going to proceed with this filing, which I am determined to do.
This potential online teaching job where I'd be teaching Korean children English over the internet. I cannot figure out whether I'm more scared of getting the job or not getting it. I need the money, I need the experience if I'm going to go overseas to teach, but I haven't the faintest clue how to teach English to kids, so even if I get the job I'm worried that I'll fail.
This whole grand scheme of going overseas to teach English. I have wanted to live somewhere different for my entire life. And yet, I'm also terrified. What if I can't stand Peru or Hong Kong or Mongolia or Vietnam, or wherever it is I end up? What if I'm too old and set in my ways to adapt to a new culture, new cuisine, new faces, new challenges?
Aging. I'll be 54 this summer. I don't want to grow old. I have too much that I want to do in this lifetime and I'm not getting any younger.
My son. Does he really give a damn about me anymore? He doesn't treat me in a way that makes me feel in any way special. And the sad thing is that I no longer trust him. He used to be the person whom I always trusted, the one true person in my life. And now....after all he's done, that trust is gone, and although I've forgiven his actions, I'm also not a fool and don't place any confidence that anything he tells me will come to pass.
Not being present when my son and his future wife have children of their own. They live so far away. I've always pictured myself being an involved grandmother, babysitting so my son and his wife can go out for the evening, attending junior baseball games, going to kiddie birthday parties, holding newborn grandchildren. I'm worried that this will never come to pass given that distance.
Being alone. I am so alone in this world, at least that's how I feel. What happens to me should I fall seriously ill? I have no one who could take care of me. What happens when I'm old? Who will visit me in the nursing home? Who will pay for the nursing home?
Never having sex again. I don't ever want to date again. I have learned the hard way that I don't pick good men, and that I'm not good at relationships. But no more sex until the day that I die? That seems prett fucking harsh.
Losing my mind. I came so close to suicide so many times this past winter. I don't ever want to be that low again. And I never want to have to be in the city mental hospital again: it is a horrible, ugly place that I want to avoid visiting. But if I have suicidal urges again, the only recourse is going to the hospital because I don't want to harm myself. I just wish that there were someone to help me as an alternative to placing myself into the hands of the psych ward again. I don't ever want to have a winter like that again. It was horrible and I'm always surprised that I got through it.

This is not helping. This is actually making it worse. Live and learn. Fuck.