princessofburundi

It's 3:00 pm and I'm beat. I have so much to do around the house but it's going to have to wait for an hour or two.

This morning I had to fend off another powerful panic attack - brain, this can stop anytime you like, preferably NOW - and then shower and dress and put makeup on to have lunch with my mum. Picked up cat supplies en route to lunch; spent lunch hour hearing about how I have no backbone and am too dependent upon people. Heard the story of my suffragette grandmother who emigrated to Canada, arriving in Toronto with 29 cents in her poocket, and how she didn't let that get her down. Apparently, getting help from social workers and the hospital is another form of weakness; I should be taking care of my mental health without "leeching" (I'm quoting) off community services. My mum is so good to me except when she isn't, and today she really, really wasn't, but at least she paid for lunch.

Picked up prescriptions, did a healthy shop - no junk except for pretzels, which are lower calorie and salt than potato chips - as my blood sugar is quite high - last night it was 15.2 which is way over the top. I wonder if high blood sugar and panic attacks are related?

Now I'm just going to sit here for a bit and release the tension and the tiredness. Then I must do chores, bleah.

I woke up late this morning, around 10:30, and I awoke in the middle of the mother of all panic attacks. There were panicked thoughts - this is going to kill me, I'm going to need to be locked up in a mental asylum - lots of gastrointestinal stuff that comes with the fear, weeping, and shaking like a leaf. I haven't had a first thing in the morning panic attack since January and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by it.

So I told myself that I could stay in bed until I was ready to get up (it's 12:15 and I'm not yet ready), and I've been doing things that relax me. I've prayed fervently for God's help. I've played a couple of rounds of Lexulous (a Scrabble-based game) with globetrotter1. I've done a couple of jigsaw puzzles on the phone - they are great for helping me clear my mind. I have a cat cuddled up to my leg, and that is a big help. I'm going to watch an episode of Doctor Who. I called my mother, but she couldn't talk as she was in the middle of making a Merlin costume for my 10-year old nephew that needs to be ready for tomorrow.

No more mornings like this one, please. Just no.