Today and the rest of my life

I do this thing to myself fairly often. I decide that on a particular day I will get *everything* done, make this HUGE fucking list, and then, when the day arrives, feel absolutely overwhelmed with stress because the list I've made is unreasonable even for a normal person let alone someone who is plagued with anxiety. My list today includes finding several new writing jobs, cleaning out the mess in my room and the kitchen cupboards, visit my psychiatrist, go to the gym, make soup, wash the floors, and it goes on and on and on.

I can't do all of this today! It will be amazing if I get all of this done this week. I don't know why I do this to myself. I am a low-functioning anxious being and I don't do so much on a daily basis.

So I need to cut this down. I will look for some writing jobs. I will clean something. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, and that's non-negotiable, I really need to see him. But then I also need to do things like read, and watch TV, and relax. There's a reason I'm getting disability support from the government: because I'm disabled mentally.

I think that most of this is that I don't know how to accept that I'm mentally ill, in fact, so mentally ill that many things that I used to do easily are now immensely challenging. I want my old life back, where I went about things without terror, and with excitement and vigour. I don't know how to love or accept this frightened old woman I've become.

Busy Day

It's been a busy and longish day. What I've done today won't seem like much to most of you, but as a card-carrying agoraphobic it takes me several hours to talk myself into leaving the house, and then after I'm home again it takes a couple of hours to come down from the tension of being away from my nice safe home. A small set of errands, therefore, is a full-day process.

One of my big worries: if it takes this much prep to run a couple of errands, how in hell am I going to manage a two-week overseas vacation in September?

Today was fairly simple - visit my psychiatrist, try yet another grocery store to see if they have lactose-free milk in stock; it's been difficult to find lately. Psychiatrist's appointment went well, lactose-free milk obtained, so win-win.

Have also managed to contact my son (notoriously difficult to get in touch with) and inform him that he needs to reimburse me half of the cost of the ungodly phone bills he's been racking up as we've been sharing a phone plan. To do him credit, he agreed immediately and without hesitation, so I will have money again - not a fortune, but enough to make a difference between watching every penny and spending nothing on myself, and being able to get my hair cut, needed desperately as I'm beginning to look like a shaggy dog. I am also going to take myself to see the Beauty and the Beast film - I've been so disappointed that I couldn't afford to go, and as long as it hasn't left theatres I'm going to go and see it tomorrow night.

And that's me done for the day. I came home and put my nightgown on, and am planning a quiet evening of reading and watching TV. The breeze through the open windows is lovely; I'm so glad it's spring.

Technical Question

Does anyone know how to get little mood symbols on their journal? You know, down below where you select what your mood is, and you get a little smiley face if you select that you're happy, or a sad face if you're sad? I just get a little square navy-blue box no matter what mood I select and I don't know how to change that. Help?