Panicked Monday

I woke up late this morning, around 10:30, and I awoke in the middle of the mother of all panic attacks. There were panicked thoughts - this is going to kill me, I'm going to need to be locked up in a mental asylum - lots of gastrointestinal stuff that comes with the fear, weeping, and shaking like a leaf. I haven't had a first thing in the morning panic attack since January and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by it.

So I told myself that I could stay in bed until I was ready to get up (it's 12:15 and I'm not yet ready), and I've been doing things that relax me. I've prayed fervently for God's help. I've played a couple of rounds of Lexulous (a Scrabble-based game) with globetrotter1. I've done a couple of jigsaw puzzles on the phone - they are great for helping me clear my mind. I have a cat cuddled up to my leg, and that is a big help. I'm going to watch an episode of Doctor Who. I called my mother, but she couldn't talk as she was in the middle of making a Merlin costume for my 10-year old nephew that needs to be ready for tomorrow.

No more mornings like this one, please. Just no.

Ooh!

Did I mention that I subscribed to Crave TV last night? It's only $7.99 a month, and has nine seasons of Doctor Who, as well as tons of other programmes. I watched an episode of the Doctor last night (Matt Smith's intro episode: "The Eleventh Hour"), and then a fascinating documentary about the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints and the trial of Warren Jeffs. So glad to have access to the Doctor again!

Feeling a lot better after clearing out my inbox here.

Thoughts On Psych Drugs

I spent until 1:00 today doing various things to get rid of the panic attack, and when none of them worked I took an Ativan. I don't like doing that. Most of the time I feel really weak for "giving in" (that's the language I use) to taking medication, but I think it's about time that I realized two things: 1) that my psychiatrist prescribed them for just this reason, and b) that being wise enough to know when I need to take one is a sign of strength and self-awareness, not weakness. This is something I really need to learn.