Loving Journalling

[princessofburundi]

I had no idea how much I would love having an online journal again. It feels so good to be here at Dreamwidth. I am making new friends, have a place to share my life, and have the great privilege of being able to share the lives of others. For a woman who is decidedly lonely, this place is a godsend.

It's gotten hot all of a sudden - it's 23 here at the moment (that's 76) and rather humid so that it feels hotter. I mowed the lawn for the first time all on my own. The result reminds me very much of the time my elder daughter, age approx. three, took her safety scissors to the curls at the front of her hair, kind of jagged and sloppy and frayed. (And it was heartbreaking to see her lovely curls on the floor.) I console myself with the fact that my neighbours have obviously been mowing for years and know how, whereas I simply don't have a clue....yet. Someday I will be a jedi master at lawns.

Saw my caseworker at Canadian Mental Health today....such a nice woman. I am so fortunate to have really excellent community help for my poor addled brain. Psychiatrist, therapist, case worker, doctor: I am so lucky to live in Canada and in this city.

The thing I'm working on now is learning to be gentler with myself. I need to get rid of the self talk that says "you're stupid" or "you're a failure" and replace it with "you're learning" and "look at all of the things you've accomplished today". I need to learn to look in the mirror and instead of seeing ugly and fat, and old, see a woman who has survived a lot of grief and turmoil and has the battle scars to prove it. Maybe, if I'm really lucky, some day I will see beauty.

Comments

[miss_s_b]

It's genuinely lovely seeing the place all active :)

If you find a way of doing the last paragraph that works well, do share

[princessofburundi]

Isn't it nice? All sorts of people to talk to.

In my 53 years I have never found a way to change the self-talk, but I live in hope of doing so one day.

[malgrin]

I don't really know you yet (but I'm glad for the chance) and I'm happy to say ... you're learning!! (We ALL are!) Look at all of the things you've accomplished today!!

I hope one day you see beauty as well.

[princessofburundi]

Thank you for your lovely positive comment. I do accomplish a lot, if you consider that I'm genuinely disabled by mental health issues.

I am looking forward to getting to know you as well.

[kristy]

I hope you'll see the beauty you have inside & out. I'm still working on that myself, but am greatly improving. :)

*hugs*

[princessofburundi]

Thank you. :)

How are you managing to improve at seeing your own beauty? All tips and pointers would be very welcome!

[kristy]

You're welcome. :)

I have been using my mirrors to help me. I tell myself positive things about me. It helps. :)

[seraphina_snape]

So your first stab at lawn mowing went about as well as mine a few weeks ago did. *g* Let's hope we'll both improve.

[princessofburundi]

Yes, and the backyard isn't done at all. It's deep and it's damp at the base, and my lawnmower kept stalling. I've called my brother to get pointers on how to cut deep, damp grass, and if it would stop raining I'd get out there and give it another go.

I doubt that I can get worse at lawnmowing, so it's only up from here! Good luck to you as well!

Who is that in your profile picture? I've been wondering.

[seraphina_snape]

People keep telling me that you don't mow damp or wet grass. I don't know the science behind it, but maybe because wet grass is heavier and prone to lying flat? So you get an uneven chop and whatever you cut off is heavy and clumps together. But what I do when my lawnmower keeps stalling on the same patch of grass is to set the blades a notch higher. If there's a really dense patch of grass, it could just be that the lawnmower can't cope with all of it at once, so you start with the blade on high to take the tops off and then do another run over that patch with the blades lowered to get the rest.

That's Parker from Leverage. It's a great show - I can only recommend it. It's about a group of thieves being hired to recover stolen airplane plans, only to discover after the fact (and after narrowly escaping a bomb explosion) that the man who hired them just wanted someone to steal those plans. They decide to get revenge and go after the man, conning him out of his company and his fortune (and his freedom, since he ends up in jail). They give the plans back to the rightful owner and then intend to split up. But they worked really well together, so the idea of going their own ways lasts all of two minutes. Because their leader Nate is an honest man, he stipulates that any jobs they take have to be jobs that help people against the rich and powerful who can more of less do as they please and pay off anyone who says anything. So, modern day Robin Hood meets The Sting and Ocean's Eleven. (But this show has something for everyone.)

[nonniemous]

Changing the self-talk is hard work, but so worth it. It's helped me immensely over the years to ask myself, "What would you think if this was being said to someone else you respect? Then why is it okay to say it to yourself?" Or, to just say, 'No, so-and-so says this about me," when I can't believe in myself. Right now I have posters on my bedroom wall that say "Arise," "Create," "Try," and "Protect."

[princessofburundi]

That is a marvellous idea, talking to myself only in ways that I would talk, for example, to my kids. I'd never tell them that they're stupid and useless, and I shouldn't tell myself that either.

I like your idea of posting notes for yourself. I have lots of favourite and uplifting quotations that I could post around my room and bathroom and other places in the house.

BTW, I love hermit crabs. My nephew used to have some, and they were fascinating creatures.

[atomicnectarine]

Some of my favorite people in the world I've met and gotten to know through journaling. It's been my outlet for 13 years now.

[princessofburundi]

Me too! I have friends from LiveJournal that I've known for a decade and a half, and whom I like better than a lot of people right here in town. I'm excited that I'll be meeting one of them in September when I go to the UK.

I've not journalled in years, but I'm really enjoying it again. It is such a good outlet, and right now I really need that.

[norfolkian]

I'm really enjoying journalling again too, and really enjoying connecting with new internet friends too. :)

[princessofburundi]

It's nice meeting new people online, isn't it? It's hard right now as I'm just beginning to sort out all of my new journalling friends, but already I am starting to think, "oh, yes, her, she went to school in Norwich, lives in Coventry, and has a cool icon of someone from Ghostbusters. Little by little I will get to know you all better.

[norfolkian]

I know what you mean about sorting out your new friends. Sometimes I have to check people's profiles to remind me!

[coeur_de_noir]

This, exactly! Glad to have met you.

[princessofburundi]

And you!